Saturday, October 04, 2003
How can they call my life real, when I'm unable to feel?

Ever get one of those urges to take something, anything sharp and drag it across your skin to see what happens?  I've done it and thought that I was doing real good up until last night.  I mean I haven't done anything like in 3 weeks, YAY!  But the thought struck my fancy.  So as I sat and I scribbled down some thoughts and in the end of second period study hall had a pretty good poem.  BY 8th hour it had disapeared so once again I sat and scribbled some more to see what I could come out with.  It's nothing I'm proud of but heres what came out...

As they sit and stare up at me,
Thinking why do you do this to yourself,
To feel better?
Or to feel at all?
I think why does it matter?
No one here cares at all,
Yes there may be some,
But they are scarce,
The cuts are what make me real,
Real as I can be.

After that all I did was sit thinking about how can I possibly get myself out of here?  So sitting listening to Dashboard I decided to write some more,ending with lots of little pieces that I can't bring myself to finish...

#1) The razors sharp at the foot of your bed,
But the company can't attend the meeting tonight,
You are locked away,
And the key has been lost...

#2) Bent down,
Take these nails,
Watch my slowly bleed,
Hovered over...

*This one I started writing for my friend John, but can't think of what else to write.*

#3)  I heard you cry yesterday,
The tears were red,
Your wrists were cut deep,
Said there was nothing left to hold on to...

#4) Razors cutting through the pain,
Like daggers in a storm,
The pain I can't feel...

#5) Reminded of the days,
The days that brought smiles,
The days that slowly faded,
With that grin upon your face,
I know what your thinking,
And it's not about us, it' not about the past,
But more about the future,
Whats in store for you next,
It's not that you still care,
But what your next move will be,
It doesn't matter to me,
Because I', watching every second...

I wish I could think of some way to end these, but I can't do it.  Well the shower is calling so I must attend.

Posted at 10/4/2003 11:27:55 am by SylentScreems
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Sunday, October 05, 2003
Give in to your feelings,don't give in to the ones that will harm ya

Okay, so I haven't been able to sleep in for the past 2 or 3 weekends and it's starting to get me all bent out of shape.  Waking up at 9:15 every morning isn't giving me enough energy to run on for the rest of the day and when no one is awake in my house yet what do I do?  Of course I sit and think, and what do I think about everything, mostly life and death though.  And I don't like it, I don't like it one bit...but I can't tell anyone that.  So what do I do?  Sit there and think until I can't take it any longer and feel like I don't even have control over myself, then come to my handy computer and sit like I have no life.  Which I don't.  My life consists of going to school, swimming and hanging out with Sam.  There is nothing there.  I have NO life.  But other then that hey lifes pretty peachy.  Tomarrows going to be 3 weeks without cutting.  And I get to see Hogan, so I'm pumped up about that.  I'm starting to think that being a bitch to Kacy in gym isn't such a great idea, pretty sure that she wants to take off my head soon.  You know, where's the love?  Come on kids.  So wanting to die but not wanting to let anyone know isn't all that bad if I don't do anything about it, right?  It's just thoughts, and they're not gonna hurt me.  And then to add to all of that I really want to go to the A Static Lullaby show and now I'm having second thoughts because Samantha James is going.  And I'm almost positive she wants to take a kinife to me, or we could be like Sam and use pencils.  Whatever you want to do.  But whatever, all I wanted to do was to see A Static Lullaby, screw My Chemical Romance, yeah they're good but we all know now even close to as good as A Static Lullaby.  Ha reading Samantha James' profile..."Friends never break up with you."  Way to go Sam on keeping your best friend on that one.  Started another poem yesterday...

Cuts on my arm is all they see,

Why are they already judging me?

But hey it's so true that it's unlbelievable.  Aw man I'm so jealous of Ryan, he got to go to theCubs game yesterday, hey they lost but it was an amazing game.  Okay well, I'll leave you with that.  A not so depressing thought.

Posted at 10/5/2003 11:11:18 am by SylentScreems
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My Sweet Suicide

By: Tzuhsi

How sweet it would be,
If I could be free,
From all the pain,
Inside of me,
I hate the life I'm in,
There is no begining,
No end,
No matter how hard I try,
Numerous times I did cry,
I sit here and sigh,
With no more pride,
I take the blade one more time,
Jab it in to help me find,
My end,
Sweet suicide.

Posted at 10/5/2003 11:38:24 am by SylentScreems
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Monday, October 06, 2003
QUEER and Sam's hawt

So today was one of those "when the fuck is this day gonna end" days?  So, waking up with a terrible hangover and all day hearing what I had said the night before to people online while being drunk was interesting, but still not on the top of my "fun" list.  But I got to hang out with Sam, which was radical dude!  And oh man, Ataris on the 25th here in Chicago.  Thats the coolest thing that has ever happened to me and I don't think that I'm exagerating.  And Tristan just called me a queer, what an amazing word.  I think I'm going to name this "Queer."  So my birthdays in two days, meaning two more days until I get freedom, total freedom... well a car, if that counts.  So I gotta think of a way to ask my mom to get me on birth control, or I can't have anymore fun.  And I just don't think that I'll go on without that.  It's sad, but the truth.  But what do you say to a 40 year old woman about getting put on birth control, I'm scared.   So tomarrows me and Sam's six month anniversary so thats pretty cool.  I guess I mean, who the hell can put up with a bitch like me that long?  Not sure, but I'm glad because I love Sam super duper muchas.  Nothing more to say though...maybe a poem could tie ya'll over till the next time I write, since I know how exciting it is to read about my life.  Or how about this...


Posted at 10/6/2003 11:49:27 pm by SylentScreems
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Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Why do something for them when they don't care?

So Sunday night got drunk and puked all over, yesterday tried cleaning it up but it didn't work.  But that was something good for me.  My mom just pounded me with questions about what the stain was from, I told her I was drinking because it was the only thing I could think of to do rather than cutting.  Yeah, no one has heard this...but yes, I drank Sunday night so I wouldn't have to cut myself.  So I was pretty damn proud of myself.  Then my parents preceed to tell me that I'm not mature enough, no nothing about being proud of me for not cutting.  Yes, yelling at me telling me I can't get my lisense tomarrow because I can't make a good choice.  And most definitly can't get my nose pierced.  I really don't understand them anymore...they say they want me to get better but keep me here and now it's going to be even worse.  They punish me when I do something right, yes drinking isn't right but compared to cutting it's a hell of a lot better.  I really don't care anymore.  I was working at it so hard, and look where it has gotten me with them.  Nowhere, exactly...theres no point in trying this hard to quit.  Why quit then?

Posted at 10/7/2003 7:52:40 pm by SylentScreems
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Saturday, October 11, 2003
Sit there awhile, and think about it

So haven't written about my radical life in awhile, I'm sure you miss it.  NOT.  I really dont't have much to say lately.  Samantha James' and I are good now which is amazing so I hung out with her a little yesterday.  And then with Sam at night.  Thursday I hung out with Tristan which was rather exciting considering he wouldn't keep his Burger King hat on.  Okay, yeah so maybe i need to stay home and think today considering all day yesterday I couldn't stop thinking.  And it's sad because I don't even really know what I'm trying to figure out.  But I guess thats life and I'm alive so eh.  God kind of scared when I got online and read Tristan's profile saying things about suicide, I don't know whats going on with that.  He said it was nothing, but I care about him and don't want anything bad to happen, thats all.  But maybe that will change, I don't know for sure.  I think I'm gonna get my lisense today which really rawks.  Sam hates me lots I think, he's been accusing me for liking Tristan for some time now.  And last night all we did basically was fight.  I mean I don't mean to be a bitch, but GET OVER IT ALREADY!  I don't know what going on but wrote a poem yesterday...

Sitting With A Dream

Sitting in the corner,
I see you from the side of my eye,
Wishing you were closer,Hoping he'll become furthur,
Drowning him with thoughts of you,
Rescue me,
And hold me close,
With arms spread forever,
Maybe it will last this long,
As long as we remember,
This is just a dream.

I like it a whole bunch.  Well I'm off to find something fun to do but, I'm sure that I will be back with something fun for later.  Yeah right!

Posted at 10/11/2003 12:10:40 pm by SylentScreems
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Sunday, October 12, 2003
Sometimes I feel like I could fall off the face of the Earth

So last night started as such a great night but then it headed south.  I think I fucked everything up with me and Sam, and then again with me and Tristan.  I went out and sat with Sam and Tristan while they skated and then proceeded to come home and sit.  I ended up sitting on Tristan's couch for the night while getting it on.  No not really, but you know what I'm getting at.  The night ended with me coming home around 12 to see that my poor little tree had fallen over and that no one in my house cares about me since they didn't to care if I even came home last night. 
So I came to see who was online, and ended up talking to Sam on the phone till 1:30.  It would most likely be better said as him yelling and me listening, but both work.  Me and Sam are really growing apart lately and it's showing more than ever.  But whatever is going to happen will happen for a reason. 
I went to the mall to get a dress for homecoming today and it's so amazing.  I'm thinking that it might be the same one as Kacy but if it is then her dress is amazing.  I love my dress.  And I actually don't look fat in it.  Now all I must find is a date.  Thought I might go with Sam but then when I had my dress on and was twirling around pretending to be a wonderful princess I thought how it would be if I went with Tristan.  He's such a nice guy and all and I did hert him so much the other night.  I don't know just a thought.  I'm not sure whats going on with that yet though. 
So I was all not in a good mood this morning and then I started talking to Tristan and he wrote me the most amazing poem I've ever heard.  I love poetry and no one has EVER written me a poem before, I told him how much I liked it and how much it meant to me but I don't think that he understands how much it really does mean.  I wanted to cry when I read it.  I'm getting really excitied about the Ataris concert.  I think I'm going to cry.  I can't wait to go.  And I was all happy about seeing them at WARPED TOUR for 30 minutes, and now I get to go to THEIR concert.  Wow am I ever excitied. 
Tomarrows going to be one month without cutting and I'm really happy.  Kinda wish that John was home so I could talk to him about the whole thing, but it's cool.  He's getting the help that he needs and thats good.  Him moving to Montana's gonna make me cry a lot, I mean I thought Batavia was far...BUT MONTANA!  But oh well.  His sisters being stupid about the whole getting his address to me I think I'll have to take a baseball bat to her face and put her in the hospital.  All it is is a stupid address damnit. 
My lifes getting pretty exciting I just bet you are sitting on the edge of your seat right now waiting to see what I may come upon next.  NOT!

Posted at 10/12/2003 7:30:57 pm by SylentScreems
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Will you take my hand or will you turn away?

So last night Sam came over and we talked and I showed him my homecoming dress and he's like "Wow, that's cool.  Now all you need is a date."  So that ruined my little happiness for my dress.  But hey if he's gonna be like that then I'm gonna attempt to find someone else to go with.  Screw him.  Sorry about the visual.  Ha.  So me and him went over to his house and talked about everything that has been going on with us and things were better for awhile.  Until he brought me home and threw the Candyland board across the floor and stormed out of the room yelling "GO BE WITH TRISTAN YOU OBVIOUSLY CARE ABOUT HIM MORE THAN ME!"  Things went downhill from there.  This morning I woke up in my sister's bed and began reading my book.  Man I missed that, it was in my backpack when that got lost.  So I'm real happy it's been returned.  So yeah, I talked to Sam this morning and I think that since he's okay with everything then I should be as well.  And I'M NOT!  I don't wanna keep fighting with him, but whatever because were growing apart anyways so whatever.  Well one good thing for today.  My moms taking me to get my nose pierced.  It's my birthday present only 5 days late!  That's ok it's better than nothing which is what I got from my dad.  Oh AND...It's been one month since I last cut!  And I'm so proud of myself!  YIPPITY COW KYE EHY!

Posted at 10/13/2003 2:36:18 pm by SylentScreems
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Wednesday, October 15, 2003
The stars aren't even out tonight, but neither are we to look up at them

My computer sucks and it wouldn't let me on this site last night so I couldn't say anything yesterday.  But thats okay because theres not much to say other than it....well,ummm...SUCKED!  Well so I cleaned out my backpack today and then I found my A Static Lullaby tickets in my locker, man I thought I lost those.  So that was amazing that I found them.  I'm really thinking about quitting swimming, my coach (Man everytime I write that I always say couch) is such a fucking bitch and I'm not having any fun anymore at all...and I don't know.  Whatever.  I've got like the biggest meet of the year on Friday and I'm not in that sucks hardcore.  But I get my lisense Friday or Satuday and I'm so excitied.  Oh man, and me and Sam are going to homecoming together no matter what happens with us, so thats like soooo amazing!  I'm really excitied.  Even though I did say before I didn't know if I wanted to or not, I really do now! :)  But so yeah, I was reading some of my away messages and I found this one and it's a Matchbook Romance song called Promise...It's amazing.

What would you say if I asked you not to go To forget everyone forget everything and start over with me Would you take my hand and never let me go promise me you'll never let me go And now the stars aren't out tonight but neither are we to look up at them why does hello feel like goodbye These memories can't replace These wishes I wish and dreams I chase Take this broken heart and make it right I feel like I've lost everything when your gone Left remembering what its like To have you here with me I thought you should know Your not making this easy I never thought I'd be the one to say "Please don't, please don't leave me" Take my hand and never let me go Take my hand and never let me go Promise me You'll never let go Make this last forever

I love it so much, I don't have much more that I want to say so I'm gonna publish this maybe adding more later,come people you suck at leaving messages for me, 'cept Tristan because he's the only one who has, so leave me some and tell me what you think lately.

Posted at 10/15/2003 7:06:02 pm by SylentScreems
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I see her walk by,You smile,Your smile goes so perfectly with her wave

                                             Look At What You Are Doing To Me?
I'm too lazy to type all this out, but heres what I've got to say:
1.) I love Sam Walker  a whole bunch
2.) Sam Hoffmann is a bitch
3.) I'm jealous of Sam and Tristan
4.) I'm never gonna get my school ID back
5.) I miss John sooo much
6.) Life sucks, so do people and I've got to learn to deal with it
7.) Best friends are bound to stab you in the back sooner or later
8.) I hate Spanish
9.) Jenna Wouters has a nice ass
10.) Tristan's a really good drawer
11.) I think Shanna only wants to hang out with because I have a car now
12.) Carly offcially hates me
13.) I have no car tomarrow :'(
14.) I'm quitting school pretty soon, I hate it
15.) I need a job
16.) Alex Vervynk is really pretty
17.) Alex Picard is a prick, Friends with Benefits
18.) A Static Lullaby is gawdly
19.) I don't believe in Gawd, why do I have to go to CCD?
20.) Do I wanna be happy, or am I doing it for everyone else?
21.) The varsity people on my swim team get special treatment, I hate it
22.) Sam Hoffmann does everything for attention
23.) I wonder what people really think of me?
24.) I need to loose some weight, I'm fat
25.) Elle's fat
26.) I'm gonna dress up as CatWomen for Hallowen
27.) Thongs are better then I thought, kinda comfy
28.) I'm finally going to see Silent Fighting on Satruday
29.) No one cares about what I have to say, I doubt they even read this


Posted at 10/28/2003 8:29:47 pm by SylentScreems
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Sitting in the corner,
I see you from the side of my eye,
Wishing you were closer,
Hoping he'll become furthur,
Drowning him with thoughts of you,
Rescue me,
And hold me close,
With arms spread forever,
Maybe it will last this long,
As long as we remember,
is just a dream.

To Sam, because I love you...
San Dimas High School Football Rules-The Ataris
Last night I had a dream that we went to Disneyland,
Went on all the rides, didn't have to wait in line.
I drove you to your house where we stared up at the stars
I listened to your heartbeat as I held you in my arms.
We hung out at the rainbow where we drank til' half past two.
Nothing could go wrong anytime that I'm with you.
Like crashing a hotel room or leading up to that first kiss
Or searching for a high school that you know doesn't exist...
These are the things that make me free
I feel like I'm stuck in "stand by me"
This night was too good to be true.
Today I woke up alone wishing you were here with me,
I wanted us to be something that we'd probably never be.
Today you called me up and said you'd see me at our show,
But now I'm stuck debating if I even wanna go.
Whitney, don't you understand that what I say is true?
I just want you to know I have a major crush on you.
I'd drive you to Las Vegas and do the things you wanna do
I'd even have Wayne Newton dedicate a song to you.
I only wish that this could be
Just dump your boyfriend and go out with me
I swear I'd treat you like a queen.

Hands Down By: Dashboard Confessional
Breathe in for luck,
breathe in so deep,
this air is blessed,
you share with me.
This night is wild,
so calm and dull,
these hearts they race,
from self control.
Your legs are smooth,
as they graze mine,
we're doing fine,
we're doing nothing at all.
My hopes are so high,
that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me,
so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury,
or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
The words are hushed lets not get busted;
just lay entwined here, undiscovered.
Safe in here, from all the stupid questions.
"hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb.
Stay quiet, stay near, stay close they can't hear...
so we can get some.
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.
So won't you kill me, so I die happy.
My heart is yours to fill or burst,
to break or bury, or wear as jewelery,
which ever you prefer.
Hands down this is the best day I can ever remember,
I'll always remember the sound of the stereo,
the dim of the soft lights,
the scent of your hair that you twirled in your fingers
and the time on the clock when we realized it's so late
and this walk that we shared together.
The streets were wet
and the gate was locked so I jumped it,
and let you in.
And you stood at the door with your hands on my waist
and you kissed me like you meant it.
And I knew that you meant it,
that you meant it,
that you meant it,
and I knew,
that you meant it,
that you meant it.

Fishing For Love -Morgan
Well you hooked my heart,
And you reeled it in,
As you tore me from the hook,
You watched my blood drain out,
Told your friends I wasn't good enough,
And threw me back in.

I.O.U. One Galaxy By: The Ataris
The stars are out tonight,
And you're the brightest one shining in my sky.
It's like every wish I ever made came true.
The day I woke up lying next to you.
Will you be my best friend?
If I offered you my heart?
'Cause it's already yours.
We could hang out every night
and watch the sun go down.
As long as we could watch it rise again.
Gave me a valentine.
It's these little things that stand the test of time.
I've saved the tickets from the shows that we've been to
and a thousand other memories of you.
Will you be my best friend?
If I offered you my heart?
'Cause it's already yours.
Gave you this I.O.U. today,
it said good for one galaxy.
Once I build my rocket to the stars,
we'll fly away just you and me.

I'm so different from them,
They look no further than the surface,
I feel so lonely,sad and scared,
I don't want to die, But I can't take this.

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